One key to becoming
a great conversationalist is to pause before replying. A short pause,
of three to five seconds, is a very classy thing to do in a conversation.
When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously.
The Benefits of Pausing
First, you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person
is just catching his or her breath before continuing. Second, you
show the other person that you are giving careful consideration
to his or her words by not jumping in with your own comments at
the earliest opportunity. The third benefit of pausing is that you
will actually hear the other person better. His or her words will
soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will understand what
he or she is saying with greater clarity. By pausing, you mark yourself
as a brilliant conversationalist.
Another way to become a great conversationalist is to question for
clarification. Never assume that you understand what the person
is saying or trying to say. Instead, ask, "How do you mean,
This is the
most powerful question I’ve ever learned for controlling a conversation.
It is almost impossible not to answer. When you ask, "How do
you mean?" the other person cannot stop himself or herself
from answering more extensively. You can then follow up with other
open-ended questions and keep the conversation rolling along.
Paraphrase the Speaker’s Words
The third way to become a great conversationalist is to paraphrase
the speaker’s words in your own words. After you’ve nodded and smiled,
you can then say, "Let me see if I’ve got this right. What
you’re saying is . . ."
By paraphrasing the speaker’s words, you demonstrate in no uncertain
terms that you are genuinely paying attention and making every effort
to understand his or her thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful
thing is, when you practice effective listening, other people will
begin to find you fascinating. They will want to be around you.
They will feel relaxed and happy in your presence.
The reason why listening is such a powerful tool in developing the
art and skill of conversation is because listening builds trust.
The more you listen to another person, the more he or she trusts
you and believes in you.
builds self-esteem. When you listen attentively to another person,
his or her self-esteem will naturally increase.
Finally, listening builds self-discipline in the listener. Because
your mind can process words at 500-600 words per minute, and we
can only talk at about 150 words per minute, it takes a real effort
to keep your attention focused on another person’s words. If you
do not practice self-discipline in conversation, your mind will
wander in a hundred different directions.
The more you work at paying close attention to what the other person
is saying, the more self-disciplined you will become. In other words,
by learning to listen well, you actually develop your own character
and your own personality.
Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into
a habit of pausing before replying in any conversation or discussion.
You will be amazed at how powerful this technique really is.
ask, "How do you mean?" in response to anything that is
not perfectly clear. This gives you even more time to listen well.